So the thing about chronic depression is ...
Even if you have it "under control," it can cause an accomplished, highly functioning person (like me) to experience periodic "episodes."
Depression is not the same for every person who suffers from it. Unfortunately for me, my depression never completely goes away and occasionally it returns in what I call a depressive "episode." Although my life may be going along relatively well, an episode or relapse of major depression occasionally brings my life to a screeching halt.
A relapse can be caused by many different events, or by no event at all. This one was definitely caused by the fact that my 60th birthday was upon me.
Trigger Warning: Depression
A depressive episode, at least in my case, prevents me from functioning in the world and a really bad episode prevents me from functioning at all. This was a really bad episode. That is why I have posted nothing since July 20th. I literally could not. Depression saps the strength from my body to such a degree that I could not raise my arms and type.
It also affects my thinking to such an extent that I probably could not have written a coherent sentence. And if I could, I would probably have been sorry because I have little or no control over my own thoughts.
I took vacation time off from work and spent most of my time just curled up in a ball sobbing. (I will discuss handling severe depression in the workplace in a later post.)
In my last post I explained that I was having a difficult time coping with this birthday. It's not so much the actual age of 60 that was bothering me. It's the fact that I expected to have accomplished much more than I have by this age, that most of my dreams are no longer within my reach, and that everything that I have lived for no longer exists.
"It's not that I want to die.
It's that I want something to live for.
And everything that I have lived for either no longer exists,
or is out of my reach."
I have learned to survive serious depressive episodes by reminding myself that I have experienced despair before and that it will eventually go away. Although my problems are real, I try to remember that once this hopelessness subsides, I will be able to deal with them.
These episodes are what were once called "nervous breakdowns," I guess. And it is no easy task to live through them. I have lost friends, husbands, jobs and family relationships because I have an illness.
I have much more to share with you, but I can only do it in small increments.
Next post: I'll have to wait to see if I need to talk more about depression, or if I can get my life back on track and focus on fun things.
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